May 28th, 2018

I have debated on writing this but, I believe someone out there needs to hear my story or better yet Gods Story.
You see about 5 years ago I was going through a divorce and dealing with a lot of mental health issues that I had never dealt with.
I had experienced depression for years but never went for help because I am man and I can fix it. I didn’t talk to anyone about this! Why? Because I would have sounded weak and again I thought I could fix it, I could handle it. I kept pushing all these feelings down and never opened up about it.
As men we just don’t talk about mental health, at all. We think we can deal with it but what we don’t see is the people around us get the brunt of this. Because I wasn’t addressing my depression, my kids were affected. I would come home from work and they never knew what Dad they would get. The dad who had a good day and didn’t deal with the internal demons or the Dad who has been dealing with the demons of depression. This dad would come in like a whirl wind and of course they would be walking on egg shells. How fair was that to them? Well it wasn’t fair because I was too stubborn and ashamed to get help.
It was all about me and I was not thinking of anyone but myself. Fast forward many years and when I was going through my divorce it all came to a head. I started to believe the lies in my head. Lies that my kids didn’t want to be around me and didn’t love me since I was the one who filed for divorce. I was sitting in my apartment and was being torn apart from the inside out. I kept hearing all the lies that were running through my head - I’m not worthy to be a dad, what kind of man are you, no one loves you and it would be better if I was not even here anymore.
After of months of dealing with these thoughts and I couldn’t fix it. This is where things started to go south, fast. I ended up in a place where I thought if I just took my own life, everyone would be better off.  You see for months and years I was in this dark box and it felt like it was closing in on me. I could not live like that anymore. I’m not going to go in to detail but right before I was going to end my life God opened up the top of the box and all I could see was my kids, family, and friends. I can’t explain of why God allowed me to see the light, because I talk with folks all the time who have dealt with family members and friends who are no longer with them and they ask why wasn’t the lid lifted for their loved one.
As I sat there I realized I was broken and I needed help. I drove myself and checked myself in to get help. I was there for some time and the process started for me to get help. I then realized I could not fix this on my own. I put my faith back in Christ, and during this time God taught me a lot about Him. We hear people say “God will not put more on us then we can bare” but we need to really read and understand that verse. God says he will not put more on us then He can bare. We are small and weak. We have to lean and trust Christ and give it to him.  Since then I have been getting help and being more open to my councilor and to my family. Yes, I still struggle from time to time about being open and vulnerable. I still want to put a wall up. However, I few years later I got remarried and my wife pushes me and will not allow me to put that wall up.   
 
So, guys/women if you are dealing with mental health it’s ok to get help. You’re not weak by talking about it. We are weak if we don’t talk about it.  Don’t try to do it on your own. So, if you’re in a place where you are having thoughts that you believe there is no way out of the darkness please get help or call 1-800-273-Talk (8255). There is a way out I promise. I’m proof that there is!!!